It's very late. Or perhaps it's early. The Common Man isn't sure, but it's quarter to four in the morning and he can't sleep. He did sleep, from 10 until 2, on the sofa in the basement, but he's been unable to sleep since then, having been convincingly awakened by taking the dog outside in the snow and rocking his little son back to sleep (on a side note, The Uncommon Wife is right to insist that The Common Man not fall asleep on the floor in the basement, because he won't sleep there all night and then he'll wake up and he'll be AWAKE). X-Files is on now, and it's not helping The Common Man get to sleep like it usually does (nobody does dry monotone like David Duchovny).
Why is The Common Man up so late (or early)? Why is he watching TV at 4 in the morning? The Common Man and The Boy are alone for the next couple days, as The Uncommon Wife is visiting friends of the blog Bill and Kristine Parker, and as yet unborn baby Parker (who The Common Man anticipates will be a friend of the blog at some point). The Common Man spends much of the day with The Boy (except for nap time) even when his mother is in town, but has come to take night time, when The Boy cuddles with his mother and The Common Man gets some time to veg, for granted. The Boy has morphed into an incredibly active, vibrant, and willful child, who loves playing with the volume on the stereo, electronic equipment of any type, and pulling at his puppy. And since The Boy's taken to pinching lately, playing with puppy is taking a form that The Common Man is uncomfortable with. Ralph the Evil Dog may love The Boy like no one else, but even puppies have their limits, and The Common Man doesn't want Ralph to feel anywhere near his.
Speaking of The Boy, he played outside in the snow for the first time today. Bundled up in his snowsuit and his boots (he refused to wear his hat and gloves), he hilariously crawled about in the new, fluffy powder, laughing and smiling away. The Common Man and he rolled in the snow until The Boy lost one of his boots. Then playtime was over. But it was a largely successful operation.
Anyway, The Common Man is going to try to get his beauty rest now. It's late, after all. Or early. Whatever. And there's a full day tomorrow.
Showing posts with label The Boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Boy. Show all posts
Friday, January 18, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
The Return of the King
Well, what's it been? Six months? Five? Nice long break. What's happened since then? Election, election, assassination, violence, steroids, Jamie Lynn, writers' strike. So nothing important? Good, The Common Man is glad he didn't miss anything.
Like many of you, The Common Man made several New Years resolutions. He is going to lose weight. He is going to be a better person. He is going to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night. And, finally, he will get his ass back to writing.
It's not that The Common Man hasn't been busy for these past months. Far from it. He's been teaching, and caring for the boy, and trying to run a house. It's been tiring, especially since The Boy has learned first to crawl, then to walk, then to run all over the house. The living room is now wholly dedicated to The Boy and his funtastic ability to get into trouble wherever he is. All the nicknacks are gone. Only the sofa, a chair, the stereo (35th anniversary Sesame Street CDs aren't going to play themselves), and a coffee table remain. The rest of the room is packed with toys. Cars, phones, stuffed animals, books. There is much to do when you are 13 months old, apparently.
But The Common Man doesn't need to tell you about tiring, for he is one of you, and you are surely tired too. It's a tiring world in which you and The Common Man live together. There are still just 24 hours in a day, but there is so much more content that fills that time. Even when you are not working, you are seemingly doing work: reading and researching topics online, cataloguing the opinions of others, deciding what content you will spend your precious few minutes perusing before you need to dive back into work. The Common Man knows how that is. He sympathizes. And he will be there to help you muddle through. Or at least to help you waste 10 more minutes reading his blog.
The Common Man is home. Go get his pipe and slippers, walk him to his La-z-boy, and he shall hold court.
Like many of you, The Common Man made several New Years resolutions. He is going to lose weight. He is going to be a better person. He is going to get at least 6 hours of sleep a night. And, finally, he will get his ass back to writing.
It's not that The Common Man hasn't been busy for these past months. Far from it. He's been teaching, and caring for the boy, and trying to run a house. It's been tiring, especially since The Boy has learned first to crawl, then to walk, then to run all over the house. The living room is now wholly dedicated to The Boy and his funtastic ability to get into trouble wherever he is. All the nicknacks are gone. Only the sofa, a chair, the stereo (35th anniversary Sesame Street CDs aren't going to play themselves), and a coffee table remain. The rest of the room is packed with toys. Cars, phones, stuffed animals, books. There is much to do when you are 13 months old, apparently.
But The Common Man doesn't need to tell you about tiring, for he is one of you, and you are surely tired too. It's a tiring world in which you and The Common Man live together. There are still just 24 hours in a day, but there is so much more content that fills that time. Even when you are not working, you are seemingly doing work: reading and researching topics online, cataloguing the opinions of others, deciding what content you will spend your precious few minutes perusing before you need to dive back into work. The Common Man knows how that is. He sympathizes. And he will be there to help you muddle through. Or at least to help you waste 10 more minutes reading his blog.
The Common Man is home. Go get his pipe and slippers, walk him to his La-z-boy, and he shall hold court.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Damnation
Ah, a new feature! As the week wraps up, this is a short list of things that The Common Man, over the past seven days, has either damned or condemned:
1) Time Magazine
Not two hours after The Common Man had sat with The Boy, reading and watching Baby Einstein, Time.com has the gall to come out with this article on how bad Baby Einstein is. Damn you, Time! Stop checking your facts (The Common Man is getting tired of fact checking; c'mon, chickens, take a risk!) and report news quicker. That's 20 minutes of development time that The Boy doesn't get back. Who's going to let The Boy live in their basement when he's 20 minutes of development behind everyone else trying to get a job out of college, Time Magazine? You? Not The Common Man, The Common Man tells you that. C'mon Time, get your head in the game. Give me news when I need it, not when you want to report it. Lazy bastards.
2) Spoilers
The Common Man has long had a policy regarding the Harry Potter books. He waits until just before the movie is released, then he reads the book so that, when he inevitably sees the movie, he remembers more of the plot and has more to complain about (The Common Man does like to complain). Sadly, soon after the release of the sixth book, The Common Man stumbled upon the big plot twist at the end on, of all sites, ESPN.com. Thus, was the surprise ruined. The Common Man held out for as long as he could, readers, sticking to his policy, but he's had to forgo it in the past week and has zoomed through book 6 and is engaged in fierce battle with book 7. Damn you, irresponsible internet writers, for spoiling plots and ruining surprises. Damn you all to Hell.
3) Primaries
With so many presidential primary seasons in full swing, there is a great deal of political activity with few actual political resolutions. There are debates going on right now across the country and it's hard to keep track of who is saying what and when and where, because the primary leapfrogging being done by South Carolina, California, Florida, New Hampshire, Iowa, and other states requires candidates to get their messages out and convince voters earlier and earlier. As it stands, the Iowa Caucuses may have to be held in December of this year to meet its legal obligation to be the first in the country. This is ridiculous. The Common Man is tired of all these debates and wants some time to make up his damn mind. He is becoming convinced that there needs to be a national primary held over the course of one day in June in order to reduce influence over the process by small, crazy states like Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina and to give the country enough time to get to know the candidates. The Common Man condemns political primaries and all they have come to stand for, the 10-word answer, the 7-second soundbite, and Gotcha! style debate.
4) White people
The New York Times reported this week that many areas in the country are in the process of having ethnic minority populations as their majority population. This has led to hand-wringing and fear-mongering by certain right-wing personalities that this country is becoming "less white." Yesterday, on Glen Beck's radio program, The Common Man even heard one idiot guest host wonder whether a country has a right to determine what color its population is going to be, and advocating some kind of "Master Plan" to make sure that whites remain a majority for a long as possible. Their concern, supposedly, is that "American culture," whatever the hell that is, is going to be supplanted by, primarily, a Mexican or African-American one (as though the finger prints of African-Americans are not all over White America's favorite foods, music, clothing, and art already). So, in response, The Common Man condemns white people for not having a culture that is worth emulating. Seriously, white people, you have bad food and bad music (Michael Bolton). Your contributions to popular fashion (disco, shoulder pads, piano-key neckties, and grunge) have been egregious. And even your precious language, with all of its exceptions, and special rules, and internal contradictions is less sophisticated than Spanish's simplicity. Hell, you want a language worth salvaging, try Russian, which has evolved past the point of needing articles. If you want to salvage your culture, Whitey, have a culture worth salvaging.
1) Time Magazine
Not two hours after The Common Man had sat with The Boy, reading and watching Baby Einstein, Time.com has the gall to come out with this article on how bad Baby Einstein is. Damn you, Time! Stop checking your facts (The Common Man is getting tired of fact checking; c'mon, chickens, take a risk!) and report news quicker. That's 20 minutes of development time that The Boy doesn't get back. Who's going to let The Boy live in their basement when he's 20 minutes of development behind everyone else trying to get a job out of college, Time Magazine? You? Not The Common Man, The Common Man tells you that. C'mon Time, get your head in the game. Give me news when I need it, not when you want to report it. Lazy bastards.
2) Spoilers
The Common Man has long had a policy regarding the Harry Potter books. He waits until just before the movie is released, then he reads the book so that, when he inevitably sees the movie, he remembers more of the plot and has more to complain about (The Common Man does like to complain). Sadly, soon after the release of the sixth book, The Common Man stumbled upon the big plot twist at the end on, of all sites, ESPN.com. Thus, was the surprise ruined. The Common Man held out for as long as he could, readers, sticking to his policy, but he's had to forgo it in the past week and has zoomed through book 6 and is engaged in fierce battle with book 7. Damn you, irresponsible internet writers, for spoiling plots and ruining surprises. Damn you all to Hell.
3) Primaries
With so many presidential primary seasons in full swing, there is a great deal of political activity with few actual political resolutions. There are debates going on right now across the country and it's hard to keep track of who is saying what and when and where, because the primary leapfrogging being done by South Carolina, California, Florida, New Hampshire, Iowa, and other states requires candidates to get their messages out and convince voters earlier and earlier. As it stands, the Iowa Caucuses may have to be held in December of this year to meet its legal obligation to be the first in the country. This is ridiculous. The Common Man is tired of all these debates and wants some time to make up his damn mind. He is becoming convinced that there needs to be a national primary held over the course of one day in June in order to reduce influence over the process by small, crazy states like Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina and to give the country enough time to get to know the candidates. The Common Man condemns political primaries and all they have come to stand for, the 10-word answer, the 7-second soundbite, and Gotcha! style debate.
4) White people
The New York Times reported this week that many areas in the country are in the process of having ethnic minority populations as their majority population. This has led to hand-wringing and fear-mongering by certain right-wing personalities that this country is becoming "less white." Yesterday, on Glen Beck's radio program, The Common Man even heard one idiot guest host wonder whether a country has a right to determine what color its population is going to be, and advocating some kind of "Master Plan" to make sure that whites remain a majority for a long as possible. Their concern, supposedly, is that "American culture," whatever the hell that is, is going to be supplanted by, primarily, a Mexican or African-American one (as though the finger prints of African-Americans are not all over White America's favorite foods, music, clothing, and art already). So, in response, The Common Man condemns white people for not having a culture that is worth emulating. Seriously, white people, you have bad food and bad music (Michael Bolton). Your contributions to popular fashion (disco, shoulder pads, piano-key neckties, and grunge) have been egregious. And even your precious language, with all of its exceptions, and special rules, and internal contradictions is less sophisticated than Spanish's simplicity. Hell, you want a language worth salvaging, try Russian, which has evolved past the point of needing articles. If you want to salvage your culture, Whitey, have a culture worth salvaging.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Running Behind
The biggest surprise for The Common Man, over the past month, is just how many interesting things there are in this house for The Boy to get into. Picture frames, drapes, pets, pet toys, pet food, surge protectors (or cords of any kind), books, papers. Virtually anything and everything is remarkably interesting to the average eight-month old once he gets crawling. And since The Boy is not the average eight-month old, he’s interested in even more than that.
Anyway, The Common Man has resumed his “training,” getting back on the elliptical machine in hopes that he will be able to keep up with his motoring little son. So far, so good, but The Common Man suspects that his success will only last as long as The Boy confines his movement to dragging himself, like a Navy SEAL in training worming his way under barbed wire, across the floor. Once he walks, The Common Man is afraid that The Boy will need to be strapped to a gurney at all times for his own safety. For who can keep up with anything that moves so fast?
Well, perhaps Al Gore III could. Now, The Common Man does not wish to appear to endorse AG3’s apparent excess of prescription drugs, partying, and speeding; far from it. But he does think that everyone needs to take five minutes and appreciate the fact that this kid got his Prius up to 100 MPH. The Uncommon Wife, until last winter,
drove a ’99 Chevy Metro until she put it out of its misery and upgraded to a Hyundai Sonata. The Metro seemed to fight against The Common Man every time he tried to get it above 65, as though going 66 would somehow align it cosmically (at least 2/3 of the way) with Satan (Cheney) and all that he stood for. Being a good car, a nice car, a safe car, it would stick to 65, thank you. Or, better yet, 60. Anyway, The Common Man imagines that getting a Prius above 65 would be a little like that. The car would reluctantly edge toward the precipice, rattle and buck a little, ask you if you were sure that you knew what you were doing, say a Hail Mary, and then shake in fear as its speed continued to climb. For breaking that magic 65 barrier, everyone should thank AG3, for he has taught them not just something about the Prius, but about themselves. To reach for the impossible, the unreachable. To go beyond themselves and to dream new dreams, no matter how unlikely. Hallelujah, the Prius went 100 MPH! It can keep up with The Boy! Now, The Common Man needs to convince Gore to do a little babysitting.
Or, perhaps, The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife can simply deny that walking exists when The Boy begins expressing curiosity (which he’s already doing, with his big boy standing). They can say, “With respect, The Boy, despite what you think you may see, there is no such thing as a domestic walking program going on in this house. And there is no internal disagreement between your parents about whether such a program should be instituted. Your parents feel confident that crawling is just fine for you and denies any existence of this so-called “walking”. Later, when The Boy points at The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife as they go about their daily business in and around the family home, as if to say, “HEY! You’re walking! How come you get to walk and I don’t?” they will testify that they do not recall testifying about walking and that, indeed, they never said that walking does not exist, just that it was ill-advised, given the time and place. Later, when The Boy becomes cognizant of the things that he can play with and those he can’t, The Common Man will apologize for any confusion that his previous testimony has caused and that, indeed, he always meant to say that there was walking and encourages The Boy to investigate it fully, now that he can be responsible about the whole thing.
Anyway, The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife haven’t decided just how to handle this yet, but they will figure it out soon. Now, if you’ll excuse The Common Man, The Boy has a handful of cat food.
Anyway, The Common Man has resumed his “training,” getting back on the elliptical machine in hopes that he will be able to keep up with his motoring little son. So far, so good, but The Common Man suspects that his success will only last as long as The Boy confines his movement to dragging himself, like a Navy SEAL in training worming his way under barbed wire, across the floor. Once he walks, The Common Man is afraid that The Boy will need to be strapped to a gurney at all times for his own safety. For who can keep up with anything that moves so fast?
Well, perhaps Al Gore III could. Now, The Common Man does not wish to appear to endorse AG3’s apparent excess of prescription drugs, partying, and speeding; far from it. But he does think that everyone needs to take five minutes and appreciate the fact that this kid got his Prius up to 100 MPH. The Uncommon Wife, until last winter,
drove a ’99 Chevy Metro until she put it out of its misery and upgraded to a Hyundai Sonata. The Metro seemed to fight against The Common Man every time he tried to get it above 65, as though going 66 would somehow align it cosmically (at least 2/3 of the way) with Satan (Cheney) and all that he stood for. Being a good car, a nice car, a safe car, it would stick to 65, thank you. Or, better yet, 60. Anyway, The Common Man imagines that getting a Prius above 65 would be a little like that. The car would reluctantly edge toward the precipice, rattle and buck a little, ask you if you were sure that you knew what you were doing, say a Hail Mary, and then shake in fear as its speed continued to climb. For breaking that magic 65 barrier, everyone should thank AG3, for he has taught them not just something about the Prius, but about themselves. To reach for the impossible, the unreachable. To go beyond themselves and to dream new dreams, no matter how unlikely. Hallelujah, the Prius went 100 MPH! It can keep up with The Boy! Now, The Common Man needs to convince Gore to do a little babysitting.
Or, perhaps, The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife can simply deny that walking exists when The Boy begins expressing curiosity (which he’s already doing, with his big boy standing). They can say, “With respect, The Boy, despite what you think you may see, there is no such thing as a domestic walking program going on in this house. And there is no internal disagreement between your parents about whether such a program should be instituted. Your parents feel confident that crawling is just fine for you and denies any existence of this so-called “walking”. Later, when The Boy points at The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife as they go about their daily business in and around the family home, as if to say, “HEY! You’re walking! How come you get to walk and I don’t?” they will testify that they do not recall testifying about walking and that, indeed, they never said that walking does not exist, just that it was ill-advised, given the time and place. Later, when The Boy becomes cognizant of the things that he can play with and those he can’t, The Common Man will apologize for any confusion that his previous testimony has caused and that, indeed, he always meant to say that there was walking and encourages The Boy to investigate it fully, now that he can be responsible about the whole thing.
Anyway, The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife haven’t decided just how to handle this yet, but they will figure it out soon. Now, if you’ll excuse The Common Man, The Boy has a handful of cat food.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
You Get What You Pay For
Well, The Common Man is in Minnesota now, watching The Uncommon Wife eat breakfast and The Boy play on the ground with Grandma. Despite the inability of the Minnesota Twins to actually hit a baseball, the trip has been incredibly relaxing thus far. It's nice to get away from the political pressure cooker that is State College.
You see, in their infinite wisdom, over the past year the State College School Board has proposed and begun the process of rebuilding State College Area High School, turning it into an architectural and technological wonderland. The proposed bill for the reconstruction effort was in excess of $100 million, and was initially approved with little input from the community at large.
Understandably, members of the State College community were concerned about a $100 million construction project in their town that they would be on the hook for. After several contentious and marathon-length school board meetings (more than 200 community members spoke at one meeting), the board decided to continue with its plans. In response, a large coalition of community members banded together to back a new slate of candidates for the board, resulting in a relatively massive media campaign that included major radio air time.
Anyway, to make a long story short (and overly simple), the school board was voted out on Tuesday, but will remain in office until December. The bids that have been submitted for their construction project total $17 million more than the board has budgeted. The current board (the one that got voted out) still can continue down this path, can revise their proposal, or can table the matter until the fall. Meanwhile, there is not a viable plan in place to replace the outdated and inadequate high school that exists right now. Pipe dreams of magical classrooms and cynical politics of not wanting to pay up for school construction have gotten in the way of meaningful school reform for students again, and the refusal of the two sides to come to any kind of consensus means that State College's high school students will still be working in crumbling schools for years to come. Given the relative wealth and educational background of the State College community at large, this is unacceptable.
You see, in their infinite wisdom, over the past year the State College School Board has proposed and begun the process of rebuilding State College Area High School, turning it into an architectural and technological wonderland. The proposed bill for the reconstruction effort was in excess of $100 million, and was initially approved with little input from the community at large.
Understandably, members of the State College community were concerned about a $100 million construction project in their town that they would be on the hook for. After several contentious and marathon-length school board meetings (more than 200 community members spoke at one meeting), the board decided to continue with its plans. In response, a large coalition of community members banded together to back a new slate of candidates for the board, resulting in a relatively massive media campaign that included major radio air time.
Anyway, to make a long story short (and overly simple), the school board was voted out on Tuesday, but will remain in office until December. The bids that have been submitted for their construction project total $17 million more than the board has budgeted. The current board (the one that got voted out) still can continue down this path, can revise their proposal, or can table the matter until the fall. Meanwhile, there is not a viable plan in place to replace the outdated and inadequate high school that exists right now. Pipe dreams of magical classrooms and cynical politics of not wanting to pay up for school construction have gotten in the way of meaningful school reform for students again, and the refusal of the two sides to come to any kind of consensus means that State College's high school students will still be working in crumbling schools for years to come. Given the relative wealth and educational background of the State College community at large, this is unacceptable.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh....They Could Be Watching
A quick programming note: The Common Man, The Uncommon Wife, and The Boy are winging home to Heaven-on-Earth, aka Minnesota, until the end of the week. Expect light blogging between now and then, by which The Common Man means two or three short posts. Sorry, but The Boy needs to meet his great-grandmother.
Last week, The Common Man hinted at "The Atkins Conspiracy," and in the interest of getting himself sued for libel, he thinks it is important to relay it here. It is important to note that The Common Man has no evidence for his beliefs, and nothing aside from his own sparkling reputation to back it up. Nor does he really know if he believes in this conspiracy, or whether it's just fun to talk about and speculate over.
This story begins a little more than four years ago, in Maine, where The Common Man was more like The Common Fatass (not that The Common Man is The Common Skinnyass now). Recognizing that fat, drunk, and stupid was no way to go through life, The Common Man searched for a way to lose the weight while not giving up his carnivorous tendencies. At that time, Dr. Atkins and his diet were all the rage, and The Common Man and the then Uncommon Girlfriend decided to give it a shot. To The Common Man's surprise, he dropped almost 25 pounds in two months, it was a revelation. Ultimately, the diet was not sustainable (in part because The Common Man already has high colesterol and didn't want to know what he was doing to his poor poor arteries (which he swears he could hear screaming in the night)).
Shortly thereafter, Dr. Robert Atkins, the inventor of the Atkins diet, apparently slipped on some ice outside of his apartment, bumped his head, slipped into a coma, and never woke up. Before his death, Atkins had built up a personal fortune in excess of $600 million dollars based on his controversial, counter-intuitive diet plan. Here is where things get interesting.
Sure, the Atkins family tells the public that the good doctor "slipped on some ice," but let The Common Man ask you a question: What would have happened if Dr. Atkins had not slipped and fallen on the ice that day? A very real possibility is that the already elderly Atkins (73 years old) could have (eventually) died from one of many coronary or renal related causes (the two most common complaints about his diet). And how would that have looked, eh? The inventor of the world's most famous diet, dying from the effects of his own diet, a cash cow.
That's why The Common Man wonders whether Dr. Atkins was murdered by someone who feared the financial ruin that would accompany such an unfortunate and ironic demise. Indeed, given the timing of his death, the inheritors of the Atkins empire could reasonably have expected to go on making money for years.
Meanwhile, that bastion of responsible journalism, The New York Post has spent recent days covering the saga of Atkins' widow, apparently the sole beneficiary of the doctor's will. Allegedly, she is "living in fear," with her new husband (who has a reputation for marrying rich women and getting divorced), of the trustees she hired to manage her husband's estate. Apparently, when the trustees refused to release $100 million of the money to her (she's only supposed to get $1.2 million per month), she stopped paying them. In response, the three trustees have brought suit for their back wages ($1.2 million per year, each) and taken out a $15 million insurance policy on her life.
So, given the (thoroughly shaky) motive and cast of weasily characters, there is just enough to give The Common Man's Atkins conspiracy theory just the slightest whiff of plausibility. This is, of course, all that a conspiracy theory really needs to find legs. And now that so many 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists have been disappointed to learn that, indeed, steel can melt. The Common Man recommends The Atkins Conspiracy as the new theory-du-jour to give those idiots something to talk about.
Last week, The Common Man hinted at "The Atkins Conspiracy," and in the interest of getting himself sued for libel, he thinks it is important to relay it here. It is important to note that The Common Man has no evidence for his beliefs, and nothing aside from his own sparkling reputation to back it up. Nor does he really know if he believes in this conspiracy, or whether it's just fun to talk about and speculate over.
This story begins a little more than four years ago, in Maine, where The Common Man was more like The Common Fatass (not that The Common Man is The Common Skinnyass now). Recognizing that fat, drunk, and stupid was no way to go through life, The Common Man searched for a way to lose the weight while not giving up his carnivorous tendencies. At that time, Dr. Atkins and his diet were all the rage, and The Common Man and the then Uncommon Girlfriend decided to give it a shot. To The Common Man's surprise, he dropped almost 25 pounds in two months, it was a revelation. Ultimately, the diet was not sustainable (in part because The Common Man already has high colesterol and didn't want to know what he was doing to his poor poor arteries (which he swears he could hear screaming in the night)).
Shortly thereafter, Dr. Robert Atkins, the inventor of the Atkins diet, apparently slipped on some ice outside of his apartment, bumped his head, slipped into a coma, and never woke up. Before his death, Atkins had built up a personal fortune in excess of $600 million dollars based on his controversial, counter-intuitive diet plan. Here is where things get interesting.
Sure, the Atkins family tells the public that the good doctor "slipped on some ice," but let The Common Man ask you a question: What would have happened if Dr. Atkins had not slipped and fallen on the ice that day? A very real possibility is that the already elderly Atkins (73 years old) could have (eventually) died from one of many coronary or renal related causes (the two most common complaints about his diet). And how would that have looked, eh? The inventor of the world's most famous diet, dying from the effects of his own diet, a cash cow.
That's why The Common Man wonders whether Dr. Atkins was murdered by someone who feared the financial ruin that would accompany such an unfortunate and ironic demise. Indeed, given the timing of his death, the inheritors of the Atkins empire could reasonably have expected to go on making money for years.
Meanwhile, that bastion of responsible journalism, The New York Post has spent recent days covering the saga of Atkins' widow, apparently the sole beneficiary of the doctor's will. Allegedly, she is "living in fear," with her new husband (who has a reputation for marrying rich women and getting divorced), of the trustees she hired to manage her husband's estate. Apparently, when the trustees refused to release $100 million of the money to her (she's only supposed to get $1.2 million per month), she stopped paying them. In response, the three trustees have brought suit for their back wages ($1.2 million per year, each) and taken out a $15 million insurance policy on her life.
So, given the (thoroughly shaky) motive and cast of weasily characters, there is just enough to give The Common Man's Atkins conspiracy theory just the slightest whiff of plausibility. This is, of course, all that a conspiracy theory really needs to find legs. And now that so many 9/11 Conspiracy Theorists have been disappointed to learn that, indeed, steel can melt. The Common Man recommends The Atkins Conspiracy as the new theory-du-jour to give those idiots something to talk about.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
What's in a name?
The Common Man just found out. According to Stephen Colbert and astro-physicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, apparently the scientific community has chosen to ignore The Common Man's decree that the new planet be called The Common Mania. Instead, they've chosen to call it either Gliese 581-c (after the star it revolves around) or New Earth. Look, The Common Man loves Stephen Colbert and considers him the funniest man on television today. That said, he cannot help but be more than a little disappointed in Colbert, who he knows would support The Common Man's bold, decisive, and self-congratulatory move to name the planet after himself. It is a far grander idea than Colbert's recent push to get a bridge in Hungary named after him. As for those scientists, The Common Man calls on any and all readers to talk to any scientists that they know in order to lay the foundation for The Common Man's grassroots effort to undermine "New Earth" and Gliese 581-c.
Of course, all of this could be moot The Boy gets to this planet and finds out that someone is already living there and has named it. Obviously, any inhabitants will have to die in order to ensure the immortality of The Common Man and his name. Sorry. That's just the way things work in the real world(s).
Of course, all of this could be moot The Boy gets to this planet and finds out that someone is already living there and has named it. Obviously, any inhabitants will have to die in order to ensure the immortality of The Common Man and his name. Sorry. That's just the way things work in the real world(s).
Friday, April 27, 2007
Forward and Back
Only one more week to go until the end of the semester here, and The Common Man is looking forward to getting back to blogging four times a week. That said, The Common Man could not stay silent any longer, particularly in light of the recent news cycles.
Now, The Common Man often wonders about the nature of the universe. You know, why we're here? Where did here come from? What existed before there was "something?" These are common questions, of course, asked and answered by countless human beings since the dawn of consciousness and higher level thought. Once man moved beyond wondering where his next meal was going to come from, he turned to questions about his own existence and prayed that that existence had some kind of higher meaning, that we weren't all alone.
Recently, Bill O'Reilly tackled this difficult and complicated series of questions with his usual "bull in a china shop" style, completely oversimplifying the issue and his "throwin' in with Jesus" in his debate with noted atheist Richard Hawkins and it got The Common Man thinking about the possibility of God and the beginning of things.
The Common Man, for once, agrees with O'Reilly (almost as disturbing as the time, recently, when The Common Man agreed with Geraldo Rivera). Simply saying that science explains how the universe got the way it is doesn't explain where a big ball of matter and energy that exploded in a big bang came from in the first place.
Naturally, as The Common Man pondered on the beginning of the universe, he thought about the end. Indeed, as the world becomes increasingly violent and polluted, it's as though life on this planet is rushing toward some kind of windshield, on which we'll all be splattered.
Indeed, signs abound around us. For instance, theologians believe that, when the world ends, the dead will rise and walk among us (George Romero will be out of a job at that point, The Common Man is afraid). Lo and behold, on Wednesday night, this happened on American Idol.
For now, let's leave aside the fact that Celine Dion has the balls to think that she should be allowed to sing with Elvis. And let's put aside the lunacy of American Idol producers thinking their remaining Idol contestants should even be allowed on a stage that The King has graced. But what the video confirms is that the dead do walk again. They are among you. Indeed, one of them is even singing with a CGI hologram of Elvis Presley (hold for laughter).
Anyway, if this is indeed the End Times on this planet, it's nice to know that, now, humanity has some place to go. Though scientists don't yet know whether this new world already has life (don't worry, if it does have life, I'm sure someone will be able to kill it), or if it even has water, The Common Man remains confident that they will work out all the details before everyone needs to abandon ship. That said, the new planet, let's call it The Common Mania, is smaller than this one, so not everyone will get to go. Only the best and the brightest and the most necessary will be sent along to preserve the human species. And when that day comes, The Common Man (and The Uncommon Wife) will undoubtedly be too old to be of much use to anyone. So they will be left behind. But The Boy still has a chance. That's why it's time for him to stop chewing on his toes and start doing some calculus. The Common Man's legacy must live on!
Now, The Common Man often wonders about the nature of the universe. You know, why we're here? Where did here come from? What existed before there was "something?" These are common questions, of course, asked and answered by countless human beings since the dawn of consciousness and higher level thought. Once man moved beyond wondering where his next meal was going to come from, he turned to questions about his own existence and prayed that that existence had some kind of higher meaning, that we weren't all alone.
Recently, Bill O'Reilly tackled this difficult and complicated series of questions with his usual "bull in a china shop" style, completely oversimplifying the issue and his "throwin' in with Jesus" in his debate with noted atheist Richard Hawkins and it got The Common Man thinking about the possibility of God and the beginning of things.
The Common Man, for once, agrees with O'Reilly (almost as disturbing as the time, recently, when The Common Man agreed with Geraldo Rivera). Simply saying that science explains how the universe got the way it is doesn't explain where a big ball of matter and energy that exploded in a big bang came from in the first place.
Naturally, as The Common Man pondered on the beginning of the universe, he thought about the end. Indeed, as the world becomes increasingly violent and polluted, it's as though life on this planet is rushing toward some kind of windshield, on which we'll all be splattered.
Indeed, signs abound around us. For instance, theologians believe that, when the world ends, the dead will rise and walk among us (George Romero will be out of a job at that point, The Common Man is afraid). Lo and behold, on Wednesday night, this happened on American Idol.
For now, let's leave aside the fact that Celine Dion has the balls to think that she should be allowed to sing with Elvis. And let's put aside the lunacy of American Idol producers thinking their remaining Idol contestants should even be allowed on a stage that The King has graced. But what the video confirms is that the dead do walk again. They are among you. Indeed, one of them is even singing with a CGI hologram of Elvis Presley (hold for laughter).
Anyway, if this is indeed the End Times on this planet, it's nice to know that, now, humanity has some place to go. Though scientists don't yet know whether this new world already has life (don't worry, if it does have life, I'm sure someone will be able to kill it), or if it even has water, The Common Man remains confident that they will work out all the details before everyone needs to abandon ship. That said, the new planet, let's call it The Common Mania, is smaller than this one, so not everyone will get to go. Only the best and the brightest and the most necessary will be sent along to preserve the human species. And when that day comes, The Common Man (and The Uncommon Wife) will undoubtedly be too old to be of much use to anyone. So they will be left behind. But The Boy still has a chance. That's why it's time for him to stop chewing on his toes and start doing some calculus. The Common Man's legacy must live on!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Incoherence at 5:00 AM
It is very early and The Common Man has a long day ahead of him. Instead of a longer post, you get several short observations that are consistent with the scattered nature of The Common Man's brain at 5:00 in the morning.
Yesterday, after taking care of The Boy during an afternoon of clinginess, The Common Man was shown three videos on the YouTube by his Uncommon Wife. Let's call them Exhibit A, Exhibit B, and Exhibit C. She was amused by the first two and disturbed by the third. The Common Man finds them all relatively disturbing. It is amazing how some parents choose to scar their kids just for kicks, then decide it is a good idea to let the rest of the world see how they choose to scar their kids. Seriously, though I may talk about The Boy in this space, I don't really understand why anyone would put embarassing videos of their child online. It's exploitative and mean. And like those girls who go wild, their pictures will be around online forever. 20 years from now, what kind of complexes will the Sparkling Wiggles girl have? And how will the mentos boy ever learn to trust again? It is befuddling sometimes that The Common Man needs to purchase a liscense to fish but any idiot can have children. Anyway, the videos made The Common Man feel much better about his skills as a father.
The Common Man believes that the Kevin Durant of the Texas, which he blogged about last week, was a myth along the lines of bigfoot, unicorns, and sober Irishmen (happy belated St. Patty's Day). The Common Man watched roughly 3/4 of the NCAA tournament over the weekend, always trying to have it on in the background. Yet, he caught nary a glimpse of the elusive creature, as CBS decided that The Common Man didn't need to see the most exciting player in college hoops. The Kevin Durant, if he does in fact exist, was eliminated yesterday by USC. For now, blurry photos is all The Common Man has as proof of his existence, until the Durant joins the NBA and puts up 20 and 12 every night. In related news, The Common Man's bracket is shot to hell.
There is a series of comercials out right now for a cell phone where people in random places (in line at a coffee shop, at the gym, at dog park) accost the viewer (in first person camera mode) and make him listen to music on their phone. Since The Common Man doesn't remember what what company makes the phone (vcast?), he thinks it likely that this ad campaign is not terribly effective. Particularly because the individuals hawking the phones seem to be such d-bags. I mean, seriously, who leaves their spotter so that he can make you listen to Fall Out Boy? You're going to let your dog run wild while you make me listen to Justin Timberlake while you dance in front of me to music that you can't hear? These are reliable judges on what a good cell phone is (let alone good music)? Somebody's ad company deserves a firing.
Finally, The Common Man found this old clip on Friday and loved it. Oh, University of South Carolina! You provide such fodder for our amusement! From drunken, sexist, racist frat guys in a Winnebago (seriously, see Borat), to this guy, to The Simpsons ("I will not be a Gamecock!"), you have tickled this Common Man's funny bone in the way that no other college has before or since.
Yesterday, after taking care of The Boy during an afternoon of clinginess, The Common Man was shown three videos on the YouTube by his Uncommon Wife. Let's call them Exhibit A, Exhibit B, and Exhibit C. She was amused by the first two and disturbed by the third. The Common Man finds them all relatively disturbing. It is amazing how some parents choose to scar their kids just for kicks, then decide it is a good idea to let the rest of the world see how they choose to scar their kids. Seriously, though I may talk about The Boy in this space, I don't really understand why anyone would put embarassing videos of their child online. It's exploitative and mean. And like those girls who go wild, their pictures will be around online forever. 20 years from now, what kind of complexes will the Sparkling Wiggles girl have? And how will the mentos boy ever learn to trust again? It is befuddling sometimes that The Common Man needs to purchase a liscense to fish but any idiot can have children. Anyway, the videos made The Common Man feel much better about his skills as a father.
The Common Man believes that the Kevin Durant of the Texas, which he blogged about last week, was a myth along the lines of bigfoot, unicorns, and sober Irishmen (happy belated St. Patty's Day). The Common Man watched roughly 3/4 of the NCAA tournament over the weekend, always trying to have it on in the background. Yet, he caught nary a glimpse of the elusive creature, as CBS decided that The Common Man didn't need to see the most exciting player in college hoops. The Kevin Durant, if he does in fact exist, was eliminated yesterday by USC. For now, blurry photos is all The Common Man has as proof of his existence, until the Durant joins the NBA and puts up 20 and 12 every night. In related news, The Common Man's bracket is shot to hell.
There is a series of comercials out right now for a cell phone where people in random places (in line at a coffee shop, at the gym, at dog park) accost the viewer (in first person camera mode) and make him listen to music on their phone. Since The Common Man doesn't remember what what company makes the phone (vcast?), he thinks it likely that this ad campaign is not terribly effective. Particularly because the individuals hawking the phones seem to be such d-bags. I mean, seriously, who leaves their spotter so that he can make you listen to Fall Out Boy? You're going to let your dog run wild while you make me listen to Justin Timberlake while you dance in front of me to music that you can't hear? These are reliable judges on what a good cell phone is (let alone good music)? Somebody's ad company deserves a firing.
Finally, The Common Man found this old clip on Friday and loved it. Oh, University of South Carolina! You provide such fodder for our amusement! From drunken, sexist, racist frat guys in a Winnebago (seriously, see Borat), to this guy, to The Simpsons ("I will not be a Gamecock!"), you have tickled this Common Man's funny bone in the way that no other college has before or since.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Queen of the Harpies
The Common Man was all set to blog about how successful this weekend was. The Boy was successfully dunked for Christ. The service was at the same time informal but drenched with meaning and austerity. The exclusive afterparty was a rousing success with friends and family eating, drinking, and making merry into the night. The clean-up was relatively quick considering there were twenty-five people milling about the house. The Common Family has generally been a big help and has been terrific company for The Boy. And The Common Man ended up drinking a bunch of wine and not getting a headache (it's like he was back in college).
Then, however, Ann Coulter (Queen of the Harpies that she is) said this. Go ahead, look. It's only 34 seconds long (although many of you will have seen it by now). First and foremost, I feel the need to point out that Ann Coulter is not funny. And it's not just this joke. It seems that every joke she tells involves dropping some racial, ethnic, or sexual slur out there and getting her supporters to laugh (either uproariously or uncomfortably) along with her). She should stop trying to be funny. It is painful to watch. Pauley Shore is weeping right now.
Second, let's give it up for those people at the Conservative Political Action Conference who clapped, cheered and whistled for her. The Common Man appreciates how difficult it was for these poor, maligned conservatives (who, until a few short months ago, only had the majority of governorships, the majority of state legislatures, two houses of Congress, the Supreme Court, the President and all the President's (mostly) men, the vast majority of talk radio shows, and a national news network on which Ms. Coulter has appeared regularly, to represent their interests) to annonymously speak up in a crowd of similarly minded people and voice their approval with a position taken by another person. Not all of us have the kind of courage necessary to voice our opinion annonymously; indeed, many of us are forced to "out" ourselves and our opinions, coming out of the closet with them, as it were. These brave souls have found a way to escape public criticism and to be bigotted. So, way to go guys! In a world that treats conservatives so shabbily, The Common Man is pleased that you have found the strength to treat others shabbily right back.
As for Coulter, The Common Man finds her flippant, off-handed, snearing, smeering, and mean style repugnant. The Common Man knows nothing about her personally, except that her books such as Godless: The Church of Liberalism (actually, that would be the United Church of Christ, Ann), How to Speak to a Liberal (If you must) (frankly, there are enough people who consider themselves liberal that you should have to talk to at least one a week; it's not like, say, African-Americans, who most white Americans can literally go days without talking to), Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism (no comment, letting the silence speak for itself) have been wildly popular and best-sellers. A large segment of the American population has made her very rich. Certainly, no one (except perhaps Ann herself) could claim that Ann Coulter has been disadvantaged or persecuted by anyone. She, by all accounts, has a pretty good life. All of which makes her celebratory meanness all the more offensive. The Common Man is sad that this person still carries enough political weight to a) speak in front of a group of leading conservatives, b) share the dais with Vice-President Burgess Meredith, Tom "the flacid hammer" Delay, Newt Gingrich, and Presidential hopefuls Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, and Mitt Romney, and c) has actually held The Common Man's attention for three paragraphs.
Anyway, here's paragraph 4, and then The Common Man vows to speak of this incident no more. Coulter finshed her time at the CPAC by taking questions and said, "I don't know why all gays aren't Republican. I think we have the pro-gay positions, which is anti-crime and for tax cuts. Gays make a lot of money and they're victims of crime. No, they are! They should be with us." She said this, of course, without a hint of irony, particularly since she had just disparaged both gayness and (presumably) John Edwards. The only possible reason, in light of her well-reasoned argument, that "gays" are not, for the most part, Republicans, Ms. Coulter, is probably that you are. Finally, if you think that Ann Coulter is repugnant (as The Common Man does), The Common Man urges you to go to The Human Rights Campaign and either make a donation or further educate yourself. The Common Man plans on doing one or the other after looking at his checkbook.
Then, however, Ann Coulter (Queen of the Harpies that she is) said this. Go ahead, look. It's only 34 seconds long (although many of you will have seen it by now). First and foremost, I feel the need to point out that Ann Coulter is not funny. And it's not just this joke. It seems that every joke she tells involves dropping some racial, ethnic, or sexual slur out there and getting her supporters to laugh (either uproariously or uncomfortably) along with her). She should stop trying to be funny. It is painful to watch. Pauley Shore is weeping right now.
Second, let's give it up for those people at the Conservative Political Action Conference who clapped, cheered and whistled for her. The Common Man appreciates how difficult it was for these poor, maligned conservatives (who, until a few short months ago, only had the majority of governorships, the majority of state legislatures, two houses of Congress, the Supreme Court, the President and all the President's (mostly) men, the vast majority of talk radio shows, and a national news network on which Ms. Coulter has appeared regularly, to represent their interests) to annonymously speak up in a crowd of similarly minded people and voice their approval with a position taken by another person. Not all of us have the kind of courage necessary to voice our opinion annonymously; indeed, many of us are forced to "out" ourselves and our opinions, coming out of the closet with them, as it were. These brave souls have found a way to escape public criticism and to be bigotted. So, way to go guys! In a world that treats conservatives so shabbily, The Common Man is pleased that you have found the strength to treat others shabbily right back.
As for Coulter, The Common Man finds her flippant, off-handed, snearing, smeering, and mean style repugnant. The Common Man knows nothing about her personally, except that her books such as Godless: The Church of Liberalism (actually, that would be the United Church of Christ, Ann), How to Speak to a Liberal (If you must) (frankly, there are enough people who consider themselves liberal that you should have to talk to at least one a week; it's not like, say, African-Americans, who most white Americans can literally go days without talking to), Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism (no comment, letting the silence speak for itself) have been wildly popular and best-sellers. A large segment of the American population has made her very rich. Certainly, no one (except perhaps Ann herself) could claim that Ann Coulter has been disadvantaged or persecuted by anyone. She, by all accounts, has a pretty good life. All of which makes her celebratory meanness all the more offensive. The Common Man is sad that this person still carries enough political weight to a) speak in front of a group of leading conservatives, b) share the dais with Vice-President Burgess Meredith, Tom "the flacid hammer" Delay, Newt Gingrich, and Presidential hopefuls Rudy Giuliani, Mike Huckabee, and Mitt Romney, and c) has actually held The Common Man's attention for three paragraphs.
Anyway, here's paragraph 4, and then The Common Man vows to speak of this incident no more. Coulter finshed her time at the CPAC by taking questions and said, "I don't know why all gays aren't Republican. I think we have the pro-gay positions, which is anti-crime and for tax cuts. Gays make a lot of money and they're victims of crime. No, they are! They should be with us." She said this, of course, without a hint of irony, particularly since she had just disparaged both gayness and (presumably) John Edwards. The only possible reason, in light of her well-reasoned argument, that "gays" are not, for the most part, Republicans, Ms. Coulter, is probably that you are. Finally, if you think that Ann Coulter is repugnant (as The Common Man does), The Common Man urges you to go to The Human Rights Campaign and either make a donation or further educate yourself. The Common Man plans on doing one or the other after looking at his checkbook.
Friday, March 2, 2007
Thank you Jevus!
The Common Man apologizes (not that The Common Man need ever apologize for anything) for the light blogging around here this week. As a special bonus, you can have an extra entry this weekend so that The Common Man can bring his total up to four for the week. It has been pretty busy in The Household this week, as The Uncommon Wife came up with bronchitis and The Boy got an ear infection. There has been a lot of work to do for school and, perhaps most importantly, The Common Family (which did spawn The Common Man, for he did not materialize out of the ether, you know) has come to visit for the weekend.
You don't care about excuses, of course. You just want a piece of The Common Man. Everyone wants a piece of The Common Man. While sometimes this demand grows tiresome, The Common Man understands how it can be so; he is, after all, pretty awesome. But since this is his blog, not yours, to get your The Common Man fix (you junkie, you), you will have to endure him talking about what's going on in his life at the moment.
Tomorrow, you see, The Boy will be dunked for Christ. This is a joyous occasion, for The Common Man loves the Lord (and the Lord loves The Common Man) and has been disappointed that The Boy has gone so long without the dunking (though not as disappointed as The Uncommon Wife). So, The Common Man's family, in-laws, and out-laws will be descending on him to celebrate immersing The Boy in water. Unlike the last mass family gathering (the nuptuals between The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife), there will be no dancing, no nervousness, and absolutely no
drinking scotch from a vase. There has, however, been a great deal of practicing for the big day, as The Boy has been taking a lot of showers recently, practicing getting his face wet. He should be fine. At three months old, it's time for him to grow up a little. As Don Vito Corleone said to Johnny Fontane, "You can be a man!"
Next week, he's going to practice stifling his emotions and keeping a stiff upper lip.
You don't care about excuses, of course. You just want a piece of The Common Man. Everyone wants a piece of The Common Man. While sometimes this demand grows tiresome, The Common Man understands how it can be so; he is, after all, pretty awesome. But since this is his blog, not yours, to get your The Common Man fix (you junkie, you), you will have to endure him talking about what's going on in his life at the moment.
Tomorrow, you see, The Boy will be dunked for Christ. This is a joyous occasion, for The Common Man loves the Lord (and the Lord loves The Common Man) and has been disappointed that The Boy has gone so long without the dunking (though not as disappointed as The Uncommon Wife). So, The Common Man's family, in-laws, and out-laws will be descending on him to celebrate immersing The Boy in water. Unlike the last mass family gathering (the nuptuals between The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife), there will be no dancing, no nervousness, and absolutely no
drinking scotch from a vase. There has, however, been a great deal of practicing for the big day, as The Boy has been taking a lot of showers recently, practicing getting his face wet. He should be fine. At three months old, it's time for him to grow up a little. As Don Vito Corleone said to Johnny Fontane, "You can be a man!"Next week, he's going to practice stifling his emotions and keeping a stiff upper lip.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
A Reflection on Holidays and Mediocracy
Well, The Common Man sure did enjoy his Presidents' Day yesterday. Not because he got a break from work (Penn State, because they rightly now take MLK Day off has de-holidazed Prez's Day), mind you. No, he was still hard at work reading and writing for The Man (his advisor). And not because The Common Man spent all day with The Boy, who was home because his "school" was closed for a professional development day, though that was wonderful and The Boy was well behaved and he and The Common Man played with the red, rattley dog, listened to music, and slept (to be fair, The Common Man didn't participate much in the sleeping, only in the encouragement of sleeping).
But Presidents' Day did offer The Common Man a moment to be able to reflect. Annually, this country trots out the dog-eared stories of Washington and Lincoln; publishes a flurry of articles that list America's Greatest Presidents; and determines, through a poll of people on the street, that a plurality of Americans think that Ronald Reagan was our nation's greatest President. But what about those Presidents who get forgotten or swept under the rug around this time of year? What about those men who lift almost no footprint on the highest office in this here land? What about the bunglers, the wallflowers, the petty, and the corrupt? This holiday should be for them too. Therefore, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Common Man presents Our Ineffectual Presidents.
Here are the top 5, in true VH-1 countdown format:
#5 Franklin Pierce
This is going to be a common theme in The Common Man's top 5. Weak 19th century Presidents who kowtowed on the issue of slavery and race. It was a bad time. The Common Man thought about putting Warren Harding here, to even things out, but was moved by his call for a sophistication in the ways that Americans were looking at race, by his doe-eyed stupid innocence about the scandals going on around him, and by the economic success (though it was a prelude to a fall) that marked his time.
Pierce, on the other hand, had a hell of a time in office. His credibility was destroyed when his cabinet released a manifesto advocating that the U.S. invade Cuba. Then, Pierce supported the Kansas-Nebraska Act, a piece of legislation that nullified the Missouri Compromise (which kept slavery out of the plains states), allowing each territory to determine for itself what it would do. This led to a short but bloody conflict in Kansas in which 55 people died, and prompted the caning of Charles Sumner on the floor of the U.S. Senate by Preston Brooks. It also prompted the creation of the Republican Party and set up the split in his own party between Northern and Southern Democrats. Not a gifted leader, this Mr. Pierce. His party responded by refusing to renominate him at its convention in 1856.
#4 John Quincey Adams
The Common Man is unsure what, if anything, John Quincey Adams accomplished in his time as President, though it may not entirely be his fault. The election of 1824 pitted Adams against two other candidates, Speaker of the House Henry Clay and Andrew Jackson. After the voting, no candidate had received the sufficient number of electoral votes, and the election was thrown into the House of Representatives. Clay, who had received the fewest votes, was eliminated from the race and his voting block swung to Adams. In a remarkable coincidence, Clay was named Sec. of State. In response, Jackson's supporters opposed nearly every proposal he brought to them. Still, aside from building a few roads and canals, not much was done on Adams' watch. His middle name, Quincey, is one of the all-time wussiest names.
#3 James Buchanan
Legally, James Buchanan is known as "That guy who was President before Lincoln." He had his name changed just before his death in 1868, in order to spare his family the shame of having to live with an infamously ineffectual surname. It was nice of him. However, he never did have any children, being a life-long bachelor. So, like most of his Presidency, it was an empty gesture that accomplished very little.
Anyway, during his Presidency, Buchanan's administration faced financial crisis when Democrats lowered tariffs on incoming goods and instituted deficit spending for the first time in two decades. Meanwhile, there were a bunch of states that were not real happy about the direction that the country was headed and how its decisions were affecting them (although they were pretty ok with the 3/5 compromise), and under his watch the Democratic party split between Northern anti-slavery guys and Southern pro-slavery, pro-secession, pro-don't tread on me guys. And as his Presidency ended, seven states had seceded from the union in order to form their own more perfect union where they could do whatever the hell they wanted. Buchanan did nothing except to try to send a few reinforcements to Fort Sumpter. When the ship carrying them was fired upon and chased back to New York, Buchanan did not respond. Historians have characterized his inaction and his unwillingness to do anything about secession as the worst Presidential mistake ever.
To the good, Buchanan was the first President to write a memoir, eventually leading to Bill Clinton's 957 page tome. An excerpt from Buchanan's book, "I looked out the window and saw that Rome was burning. "That's interesting," I thought. "Hey, what's this in a corner? A fiddle? Well, I haven't played in a while, but I can give it a shot." Also, his ineffectual leadership of the Democratic party paved the way for Lincoln's election and, while Lincoln was no saint, he was like the guy who follows Carrot Top every night. You benefit from comparison.
#2 Rutherford B. Hayes
Hayes became President because of corrupt, back-room meetings that compromised the legitimacy of the American democracy. The election of 1876 was, by all accounts, one of the bitterest and most tightly contested in this country's history. At the end of the first count, Hayes was down 184 electoral votes to 166, with 185 needed for a win (hmmm...this sounds familiar). Three states were still in play. Essentially, in order to win the election, Hayes agreed to to remove the Union troops who were occupying the South and safeguarding the former slaves who were making tremendous strides toward equality (including electing black congressmen and mayors, starting successful businesses, voting, getting an education, etc.). This, according to Howard Zinn, in A People's History of the United States was "the last military obstacle to the reestablishment of white supremacy there." In his history of this compromise, Reunion and Reaction, C. Vann Woodward writes that while it "did not restore the old order in the South....It did assure the dominant white political autonomy and non-intervention in matters of race policy."
After that, he didn't do much. He backed our currency with gold and he ordered civil servants to stay out of politics. But other than the Compromise, the nation he had the greatest effect on was Paraguay, for whom he brokered a favorable peace treaty, who named a city after him (Villa Hayes). So, to sum up, Hayes totally screwed over black people with a decision that still has lingering effects to this day. However, he did have a kick-ass beard, kept your postman from running for mayor, and is greatly beloved in Paraguay, so maybe it all evens out. Dick.
#1 William Henry Harrison
C'mon. Who else could it be? The man served in office for only thirty days and was sick in bed for a bunch of them! His only official act was to call a special session of Congress that he didn't even want to call (damn you, Henry Clay!)! His most enduring contribution to Presidentness seems to be that he was the first President to die in office, creating the first opportunity to test the 25th Amendment. There's not much else to say about him, frankly, except "Way to go, William Henry Harrison! You're this nation's least effectual President."
Honorable Mention: George H.W. Bush
Unfortunately, while he's still alive, and while his son is in office, it is impossible to rank Bush the Elder with any kind of reliability. Sure, he won a war and Communism fell during his tenure. But seriously, on the 1-10 Scale of Emotional Satisfaction, beating the crap out of Iraq was a 3. Plus, it gets marked down because of its contribution to the situation in which we now find ourselves. And it's not like he did a lot as President to bring that Berlin Wall down. Those wheels were turning long before H-Dub took office. Finally, The Common Man would be remiss if he did not discuss the recession that occurred under his watch (though, let's face it, Reagan had a lot to do with that) and the high unemployment rate. Perhaps his two greatest contributions to Presidentiality were a) the ridiculously over the top and inaccurate attack ad (Willie Horton anybody? Boston Harbor?) and b) the political dynasty that he has founded, as he will eventually followed into office by his sons George W. and Jeb, his granddaughters Jenna and Barbara, and their eventual sons Skye, Colt, and Dakota.
Who are some of your favorite ineffectual Presidents?
But Presidents' Day did offer The Common Man a moment to be able to reflect. Annually, this country trots out the dog-eared stories of Washington and Lincoln; publishes a flurry of articles that list America's Greatest Presidents; and determines, through a poll of people on the street, that a plurality of Americans think that Ronald Reagan was our nation's greatest President. But what about those Presidents who get forgotten or swept under the rug around this time of year? What about those men who lift almost no footprint on the highest office in this here land? What about the bunglers, the wallflowers, the petty, and the corrupt? This holiday should be for them too. Therefore, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Common Man presents Our Ineffectual Presidents.
Here are the top 5, in true VH-1 countdown format:
#5 Franklin Pierce
This is going to be a common theme in The Common Man's top 5. Weak 19th century Presidents who kowtowed on the issue of slavery and race. It was a bad time. The Common Man thought about putting Warren Harding here, to even things out, but was moved by his call for a sophistication in the ways that Americans were looking at race, by his doe-eyed stupid innocence about the scandals going on around him, and by the economic success (though it was a prelude to a fall) that marked his time.
Pierce, on the other hand, had a hell of a time in office. His credibility was destroyed when his cabinet released a manifesto advocating that the U.S. invade Cuba. Then, Pierce supported the Kansas-Nebraska Act, a piece of legislation that nullified the Missouri Compromise (which kept slavery out of the plains states), allowing each territory to determine for itself what it would do. This led to a short but bloody conflict in Kansas in which 55 people died, and prompted the caning of Charles Sumner on the floor of the U.S. Senate by Preston Brooks. It also prompted the creation of the Republican Party and set up the split in his own party between Northern and Southern Democrats. Not a gifted leader, this Mr. Pierce. His party responded by refusing to renominate him at its convention in 1856.
#4 John Quincey Adams
The Common Man is unsure what, if anything, John Quincey Adams accomplished in his time as President, though it may not entirely be his fault. The election of 1824 pitted Adams against two other candidates, Speaker of the House Henry Clay and Andrew Jackson. After the voting, no candidate had received the sufficient number of electoral votes, and the election was thrown into the House of Representatives. Clay, who had received the fewest votes, was eliminated from the race and his voting block swung to Adams. In a remarkable coincidence, Clay was named Sec. of State. In response, Jackson's supporters opposed nearly every proposal he brought to them. Still, aside from building a few roads and canals, not much was done on Adams' watch. His middle name, Quincey, is one of the all-time wussiest names.
#3 James Buchanan
Legally, James Buchanan is known as "That guy who was President before Lincoln." He had his name changed just before his death in 1868, in order to spare his family the shame of having to live with an infamously ineffectual surname. It was nice of him. However, he never did have any children, being a life-long bachelor. So, like most of his Presidency, it was an empty gesture that accomplished very little.
Anyway, during his Presidency, Buchanan's administration faced financial crisis when Democrats lowered tariffs on incoming goods and instituted deficit spending for the first time in two decades. Meanwhile, there were a bunch of states that were not real happy about the direction that the country was headed and how its decisions were affecting them (although they were pretty ok with the 3/5 compromise), and under his watch the Democratic party split between Northern anti-slavery guys and Southern pro-slavery, pro-secession, pro-don't tread on me guys. And as his Presidency ended, seven states had seceded from the union in order to form their own more perfect union where they could do whatever the hell they wanted. Buchanan did nothing except to try to send a few reinforcements to Fort Sumpter. When the ship carrying them was fired upon and chased back to New York, Buchanan did not respond. Historians have characterized his inaction and his unwillingness to do anything about secession as the worst Presidential mistake ever.
To the good, Buchanan was the first President to write a memoir, eventually leading to Bill Clinton's 957 page tome. An excerpt from Buchanan's book, "I looked out the window and saw that Rome was burning. "That's interesting," I thought. "Hey, what's this in a corner? A fiddle? Well, I haven't played in a while, but I can give it a shot." Also, his ineffectual leadership of the Democratic party paved the way for Lincoln's election and, while Lincoln was no saint, he was like the guy who follows Carrot Top every night. You benefit from comparison.
#2 Rutherford B. Hayes
Hayes became President because of corrupt, back-room meetings that compromised the legitimacy of the American democracy. The election of 1876 was, by all accounts, one of the bitterest and most tightly contested in this country's history. At the end of the first count, Hayes was down 184 electoral votes to 166, with 185 needed for a win (hmmm...this sounds familiar). Three states were still in play. Essentially, in order to win the election, Hayes agreed to to remove the Union troops who were occupying the South and safeguarding the former slaves who were making tremendous strides toward equality (including electing black congressmen and mayors, starting successful businesses, voting, getting an education, etc.). This, according to Howard Zinn, in A People's History of the United States was "the last military obstacle to the reestablishment of white supremacy there." In his history of this compromise, Reunion and Reaction, C. Vann Woodward writes that while it "did not restore the old order in the South....It did assure the dominant white political autonomy and non-intervention in matters of race policy."
After that, he didn't do much. He backed our currency with gold and he ordered civil servants to stay out of politics. But other than the Compromise, the nation he had the greatest effect on was Paraguay, for whom he brokered a favorable peace treaty, who named a city after him (Villa Hayes). So, to sum up, Hayes totally screwed over black people with a decision that still has lingering effects to this day. However, he did have a kick-ass beard, kept your postman from running for mayor, and is greatly beloved in Paraguay, so maybe it all evens out. Dick.
#1 William Henry Harrison
C'mon. Who else could it be? The man served in office for only thirty days and was sick in bed for a bunch of them! His only official act was to call a special session of Congress that he didn't even want to call (damn you, Henry Clay!)! His most enduring contribution to Presidentness seems to be that he was the first President to die in office, creating the first opportunity to test the 25th Amendment. There's not much else to say about him, frankly, except "Way to go, William Henry Harrison! You're this nation's least effectual President."
Honorable Mention: George H.W. Bush
Unfortunately, while he's still alive, and while his son is in office, it is impossible to rank Bush the Elder with any kind of reliability. Sure, he won a war and Communism fell during his tenure. But seriously, on the 1-10 Scale of Emotional Satisfaction, beating the crap out of Iraq was a 3. Plus, it gets marked down because of its contribution to the situation in which we now find ourselves. And it's not like he did a lot as President to bring that Berlin Wall down. Those wheels were turning long before H-Dub took office. Finally, The Common Man would be remiss if he did not discuss the recession that occurred under his watch (though, let's face it, Reagan had a lot to do with that) and the high unemployment rate. Perhaps his two greatest contributions to Presidentiality were a) the ridiculously over the top and inaccurate attack ad (Willie Horton anybody? Boston Harbor?) and b) the political dynasty that he has founded, as he will eventually followed into office by his sons George W. and Jeb, his granddaughters Jenna and Barbara, and their eventual sons Skye, Colt, and Dakota.
Who are some of your favorite ineffectual Presidents?
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
So Much To Live For
This morning, as snow fell softly outside his window, The Common Man walked downstairs to the basement with The Boy to feed him and to watch Studio 60. The Common Man wants to like Studio 60, he really does. It is written by one of his favorite writers (Aaron Sorkin) and stars some of his favorite people (Bradley Whitford, Nate Corddry, Timothy Busfield). But it is a show that seems to amble. It has very little trajectory and no real sense that it is heading anywhere. And, for a show about late night sketch comedy, it's not terribly funny. The Common Man keeps watching and hoping that it will pull out of its nosedive, but it doesn't look good at this point.
But this is not a post about the show itself. Nor is this a post about The Boy, who is almost three months old and extremely sweet and cute as a button and very healthy thank you for asking. Rather, this is a post about Volkswagens.
Now, from what The Common Man has gleaned from the world around him, the average Volkswagen is a pretty decent little car. It's German. It's small (except for the bus). It gets good gas mileage. And it gets bonus points for the old school Beetle. But it doesn't seem to be anything terribly special. I mean, The Uncommon Wife and The Common Man just bought a car (Hyundai Sonata) and didn't even consider a VW.
Yet, The Common Man saw a Volkswagen commercial last night that has him questioning the very foundations of our society. It begins with a man on the roof of a building. He is white, bald and slightly disheveled, and he is about to jump to his certain death. A crowd has gathered to watch. He calls down to them, listing the worst things in the world: war, global warming, hyper-consumerism, reality TV. "I don't even know what my neighbors' names are," he calls out. On the street below, a man drives up and stops his little Volkswagen in the middle of the road and pulls out a megaphone. "Three V-dubs [VWs] for under 17,000," the man on the street calls out. The man on the rooftop looks puzzled for a moment, then begins to step back from the precipice. "I'll...I'll be right down," he calls back.
And.......scene.
OK, so this commercial purports that buying a Volkswagen for under $17K will make life worth living again in light of all the terrible things wrong in the world? Look, The Common Man is all for living and preventing suicide and solving all the terrible problems that are out there; but seriously, a Volkswagen makes all of those seem insignificant? These advertisers think that this ad will speak to Americans? That consumerism is the answer to the woes of the world?
Sigh. You know what, they're probably right. Not about consumerism being the answer (although The Common Man does enjoy consuming), but that the American public will be influenced by their heinous commercial (by the way, The Common Man thinks they've lost the "my friend killed himself by jumping off a bridge" demographic). That depresses The Common Man, who, on a beautiful, snowy day, hanging out with The Boy, wanted to believe in the best of America and humanity. If you'll excuse me, The Common Man is now going to go jump off his roof...unless somebody drives by in a Volvo or something.
But this is not a post about the show itself. Nor is this a post about The Boy, who is almost three months old and extremely sweet and cute as a button and very healthy thank you for asking. Rather, this is a post about Volkswagens.
Now, from what The Common Man has gleaned from the world around him, the average Volkswagen is a pretty decent little car. It's German. It's small (except for the bus). It gets good gas mileage. And it gets bonus points for the old school Beetle. But it doesn't seem to be anything terribly special. I mean, The Uncommon Wife and The Common Man just bought a car (Hyundai Sonata) and didn't even consider a VW.
Yet, The Common Man saw a Volkswagen commercial last night that has him questioning the very foundations of our society. It begins with a man on the roof of a building. He is white, bald and slightly disheveled, and he is about to jump to his certain death. A crowd has gathered to watch. He calls down to them, listing the worst things in the world: war, global warming, hyper-consumerism, reality TV. "I don't even know what my neighbors' names are," he calls out. On the street below, a man drives up and stops his little Volkswagen in the middle of the road and pulls out a megaphone. "Three V-dubs [VWs] for under 17,000," the man on the street calls out. The man on the rooftop looks puzzled for a moment, then begins to step back from the precipice. "I'll...I'll be right down," he calls back.
And.......scene.
OK, so this commercial purports that buying a Volkswagen for under $17K will make life worth living again in light of all the terrible things wrong in the world? Look, The Common Man is all for living and preventing suicide and solving all the terrible problems that are out there; but seriously, a Volkswagen makes all of those seem insignificant? These advertisers think that this ad will speak to Americans? That consumerism is the answer to the woes of the world?
Sigh. You know what, they're probably right. Not about consumerism being the answer (although The Common Man does enjoy consuming), but that the American public will be influenced by their heinous commercial (by the way, The Common Man thinks they've lost the "my friend killed himself by jumping off a bridge" demographic). That depresses The Common Man, who, on a beautiful, snowy day, hanging out with The Boy, wanted to believe in the best of America and humanity. If you'll excuse me, The Common Man is now going to go jump off his roof...unless somebody drives by in a Volvo or something.
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