A Reflection on Holidays and Mediocracy

Well, The Common Man sure did enjoy his Presidents' Day yesterday. Not because he got a break from work (Penn State, because they rightly now take MLK Day off has de-holidazed Prez's Day), mind you. No, he was still hard at work reading and writing for The Man (his advisor). And not because The Common Man spent all day with The Boy, who was home because his "school" was closed for a professional development day, though that was wonderful and The Boy was well behaved and he and The Common Man played with the red, rattley dog, listened to music, and slept (to be fair, The Common Man didn't participate much in the sleeping, only in the encouragement of sleeping).

But Presidents' Day did offer The Common Man a moment to be able to reflect. Annually, this country trots out the dog-eared stories of Washington and Lincoln; publishes a flurry of articles that list America's Greatest Presidents; and determines, through a poll of people on the street, that a plurality of Americans think that Ronald Reagan was our nation's greatest President. But what about those Presidents who get forgotten or swept under the rug around this time of year? What about those men who lift almost no footprint on the highest office in this here land? What about the bunglers, the wallflowers, the petty, and the corrupt? This holiday should be for them too. Therefore, Ladies and Gentlemen, The Common Man presents Our Ineffectual Presidents.

Here are the top 5, in true VH-1 countdown format:


#5 Franklin Pierce
This is going to be a common theme in The Common Man's top 5. Weak 19th century Presidents who kowtowed on the issue of slavery and race. It was a bad time. The Common Man thought about putting Warren Harding here, to even things out, but was moved by his call for a sophistication in the ways that Americans were looking at race, by his doe-eyed stupid innocence about the scandals going on around him, and by the economic success (though it was a prelude to a fall) that marked his time.

Pierce, on the other hand, had a hell of a time in office. His credibility was destroyed when his cabinet released a manifesto advocating that the U.S. invade Cuba. Then, Pierce supported the Kansas-Nebraska Act, a piece of legislation that nullified the Missouri Compromise (which kept slavery out of the plains states), allowing each territory to determine for itself what it would do. This led to a short but bloody conflict in Kansas in which 55 people died, and prompted the caning of Charles Sumner on the floor of the U.S. Senate by Preston Brooks. It also prompted the creation of the Republican Party and set up the split in his own party between Northern and Southern Democrats. Not a gifted leader, this Mr. Pierce. His party responded by refusing to renominate him at its convention in 1856.


#4 John Quincey Adams
The Common Man is unsure what, if anything, John Quincey Adams accomplished in his time as President, though it may not entirely be his fault. The election of 1824 pitted Adams against two other candidates, Speaker of the House Henry Clay and Andrew Jackson. After the voting, no candidate had received the sufficient number of electoral votes, and the election was thrown into the House of Representatives. Clay, who had received the fewest votes, was eliminated from the race and his voting block swung to Adams. In a remarkable coincidence, Clay was named Sec. of State. In response, Jackson's supporters opposed nearly every proposal he brought to them. Still, aside from building a few roads and canals, not much was done on Adams' watch. His middle name, Quincey, is one of the all-time wussiest names.


#3 James Buchanan
Legally, James Buchanan is known as "That guy who was President before Lincoln." He had his name changed just before his death in 1868, in order to spare his family the shame of having to live with an infamously ineffectual surname. It was nice of him. However, he never did have any children, being a life-long bachelor. So, like most of his Presidency, it was an empty gesture that accomplished very little.

Anyway, during his Presidency, Buchanan's administration faced financial crisis when Democrats lowered tariffs on incoming goods and instituted deficit spending for the first time in two decades. Meanwhile, there were a bunch of states that were not real happy about the direction that the country was headed and how its decisions were affecting them (although they were pretty ok with the 3/5 compromise), and under his watch the Democratic party split between Northern anti-slavery guys and Southern pro-slavery, pro-secession, pro-don't tread on me guys. And as his Presidency ended, seven states had seceded from the union in order to form their own more perfect union where they could do whatever the hell they wanted. Buchanan did nothing except to try to send a few reinforcements to Fort Sumpter. When the ship carrying them was fired upon and chased back to New York, Buchanan did not respond. Historians have characterized his inaction and his unwillingness to do anything about secession as the worst Presidential mistake ever.

To the good, Buchanan was the first President to write a memoir, eventually leading to Bill Clinton's 957 page tome. An excerpt from Buchanan's book, "I looked out the window and saw that Rome was burning. "That's interesting," I thought. "Hey, what's this in a corner? A fiddle? Well, I haven't played in a while, but I can give it a shot." Also, his ineffectual leadership of the Democratic party paved the way for Lincoln's election and, while Lincoln was no saint, he was like the guy who follows Carrot Top every night. You benefit from comparison.


#2 Rutherford B. Hayes
Hayes became President because of corrupt, back-room meetings that compromised the legitimacy of the American democracy. The election of 1876 was, by all accounts, one of the bitterest and most tightly contested in this country's history. At the end of the first count, Hayes was down 184 electoral votes to 166, with 185 needed for a win (hmmm...this sounds familiar). Three states were still in play. Essentially, in order to win the election, Hayes agreed to to remove the Union troops who were occupying the South and safeguarding the former slaves who were making tremendous strides toward equality (including electing black congressmen and mayors, starting successful businesses, voting, getting an education, etc.). This, according to Howard Zinn, in A People's History of the United States was "the last military obstacle to the reestablishment of white supremacy there." In his history of this compromise, Reunion and Reaction, C. Vann Woodward writes that while it "did not restore the old order in the South....It did assure the dominant white political autonomy and non-intervention in matters of race policy."

After that, he didn't do much. He backed our currency with gold and he ordered civil servants to stay out of politics. But other than the Compromise, the nation he had the greatest effect on was Paraguay, for whom he brokered a favorable peace treaty, who named a city after him (Villa Hayes). So, to sum up, Hayes totally screwed over black people with a decision that still has lingering effects to this day. However, he did have a kick-ass beard, kept your postman from running for mayor, and is greatly beloved in Paraguay, so maybe it all evens out. Dick.


#1 William Henry Harrison
C'mon. Who else could it be? The man served in office for only thirty days and was sick in bed for a bunch of them! His only official act was to call a special session of Congress that he didn't even want to call (damn you, Henry Clay!)! His most enduring contribution to Presidentness seems to be that he was the first President to die in office, creating the first opportunity to test the 25th Amendment. There's not much else to say about him, frankly, except "Way to go, William Henry Harrison! You're this nation's least effectual President."


Honorable Mention: George H.W. Bush
Unfortunately, while he's still alive, and while his son is in office, it is impossible to rank Bush the Elder with any kind of reliability. Sure, he won a war and Communism fell during his tenure. But seriously, on the 1-10 Scale of Emotional Satisfaction, beating the crap out of Iraq was a 3. Plus, it gets marked down because of its contribution to the situation in which we now find ourselves. And it's not like he did a lot as President to bring that Berlin Wall down. Those wheels were turning long before H-Dub took office. Finally, The Common Man would be remiss if he did not discuss the recession that occurred under his watch (though, let's face it, Reagan had a lot to do with that) and the high unemployment rate. Perhaps his two greatest contributions to Presidentiality were a) the ridiculously over the top and inaccurate attack ad (Willie Horton anybody? Boston Harbor?) and b) the political dynasty that he has founded, as he will eventually followed into office by his sons George W. and Jeb, his granddaughters Jenna and Barbara, and their eventual sons Skye, Colt, and Dakota.


Who are some of your favorite ineffectual Presidents?