Autobots Waged Their Battle To Destroy the Evil Forces of Michael Bay

As he mentioned yesterday, The Uncommon Wife allowed The Common Man to indulge his inner eight year old, and went with him to see Transformers on the 4th. Careful readers will remember that The Common Man was all atwitter five months ago in anticipation of this film, when he wrote, "The Common Man prays that this film will be good, for it holds the unfulfilled dreams of his childhood in its hands." So how did it stack up? Was The Common Man's childhood reduced to robot-pummeled rubble by Michael Bay or was he magically transported back to 1986, in his parents' basement, making the familiar chkee-chkoh-chkoh-chkoh-kuh-kuh-kuh-kuh noises of his Transformers transforming?

The movie requires a significant suspension of disbelief (even more than you'd probably expect for a movie about giant transforming robots from outer space) and will require you to turn off your inner logic-detector (one is forced to continuously wonder whether Optimus Prime's extreme selflessness is a sign of stupidity, for instance, and why Megatron is the only Decepticon who speaks English when he's been frozen for 4,000 years and his minions have been living here for some time).

Also, some of the characterization of the Autobots was disappointing. Jazz and Ironhide, in particular, come off as petty and annoying. Bumblebee, for some reason, can't talk and speaks almost entirely in movie and song clips. Also, Bumblebee turns out to be a total bad-ass, which is ridiculous given how wussy he was in the TV show. And Ratchet may as well not even be there.

On a somewhat related note, The Uncommon Wife and The Common Man are in agreement on this point, there were far too many people involved in this movie, and not nearly enough giant transforming robots from outer space, or at least not enough time spent developing those giant transforming robots from outer space who were in it. The movie (and TV show, and cartoon, and the other movie, and the comic books, etc.) were called Transformers, not Some Kid and His Giant Transforming Robot Friends. But the inclusion of Shia Labeouf as Sam Witwicky is at least understandable, given that Spike Witwicky was a main fixture of the original. And the inclusion of his love interest (Megan Fox) is fine because it gives the kid something to do and because she's hot. But spending time with all the computer hackers, with a group of random soldiers (only one of whom is even decently developed) is totally unnecessary. Likewise, the inclusion of a government conspiracy subplot only made what should have been a fun sci-fi ride seem ludicrous (even for a movie about giant transforming robots from outer space).

Finally, there are long sections of the movie that are essentially motionless, allowing Bay to channel Charley Chaplin and do some physical comedy with his CGI robots. It's largely unnecessary (The Common Man really didn't care that Ironhide wanted to "eliminate the parents" or that he will rust after getting peed on by a dog. And as funny as it was to watch giant transforming robots from outer space try to hide around a back yard, it took away from the action. Also, some of the humor was inappropriate for a movie targeted toward a younger audience and suggests that Michael Bay is incapable of subtlety of any kind, given that characters openly and directly discuss masturbation (The COmmon Man imagines that an email exchange with Michael Bay would go something like this: Q: Did you enjoy making Transformers? A: YES, I ENJOYED MAKING TRANSFORMERS A GREAT DEAL. IT PLEASED ME AND I CAN'T WAIT TO DO IT AGAIN. I ONLY WISH THAT I HAD THE TIME TO INCLUDE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL REFERENCES SO AS TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACT THAT 40 FOOT TALL ROBOTS ARE FAR COOLER THAN ANY IDEA FOR A MOVIE I COULD POSSIBLY COME UP WITH ON MY OWN.)

But Michael Bay's lack of subtlety does help the movie where it really counts. If Michael Bay knows how to do one thing, it's make things explode, and it turns out that, in a movie about giant transforming robots from outer space, explosions are pretty damn important. And cool. Very, very cool. It turns out that, once you turn off your brain, the movie is a hell of a thing.

The voice acting of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) and Megatron (Hugo Weaving) are excellent, as Megatron has never seemed more menacing and Prime has never seemed more like Prime (Peter Cullen needs to read The Common Man's eulogy as Prime; he doesn't care how old Cullen is, they can pre-record it).

And the Transformers themselves, the main attraction, are excellently rendered. Their fight scenes are fast but intricately detailed. In all, they are very cool. Which is why, of course, The Common Man wanted more of them. And more robots fighting. Perhaps in the inevitable sequel, The Common Man will get all the robot-on-robot violence he so desperately needs and the film can rid itself of those meddlesome fleshlings. Until then, The Common Man has gotten his fix, and actually enjoyed it a great deal. All things considered, The Common Man had an excellent time at the theater, watching his Transformers, but it's more because of how awesome the Transformers were than anything else about the movie (particularly the script and director). He recommends the film to any fans of the old school toys, though he's quite certain that it's not going to mean much to you if you never cared for Optimus the way The Common Man did and, sadly, still does.

The Squeaky Third Wheel

The Common Man hopes that you had a wonderful 4th of July holiday. He did, going to see Transformers (review forthcoming), taking The Boy down to the creek and dipping his feet in, eating and drinking with The Deacon, and curling up with The Boy on The Deacon's front lawn to watch fireworks/pretend to be awake. It was a good day.

Something else that The Common Man has been using to put an extra spring in his step for the last couple of days has been this video of Elizabeth Edwards calmly and politely dismantling Ann Coulter. Careful readers will remember Ms. Coulter as the Queen of the Harpies that quasi-called John Edwards a "faggot" back in March. Of course, if you don't read this blog regularly, you've probably heard of her as well. She kind of enjoys attention. The Common Man wants to know what's hiding behind Coulter's sunglasses in this clip, as she's forced to listen to Edwards kindly and politely asking her to not be such a horrible person (not asking her to stop writing or speaking, just asking her to stop being such a horrible person while she's doing it).

Anyway, all of this is a long introduction to say that The Common Man thinks John Edwards is currently in the catbird seat in the Democratic nomination fight. Sure, he is fighting with the non-running film-maker Al Gore (who just got embroiled in his own controversy; The Common Man didn't even know that a Prius could go 100 MPH) for third place in the most recent Gallup poll (at approximately 10% of Democratic voters, as of mid-June), roughly 10% behind Obama and 20% behind Clinton, but Edwards has significant advantages over the two front-runners.

He already has solid name-recognition, but his continued feud with Coulter (one of Democrats' least favorite people ever) will only increase his visibility in the news and make him easily the hero in a very one-sided battle for public sympathy. In addition, from the #3 spot, he can run quietly against the top two candidates while they fight between themselves. As the Obama/Clinton race becomes more heated and (presumably) less civil, Edwards can clean up whatever voters are turned off by their squabbles. And as Bill Clinton demonstrated in 1992, Edwards does not have to win in Iowa and New Hampshire, he simply has to present himself as a viable candidate and finish "in the money".

With the shorter nomination season this time around, it will be more difficult for Edwards to build on any momentum he gets from Iowa and New Hampshire, but if smart campaigning between now and February can cut into the Clinton/Obama lead (particularly by exploiting the additional media coverage he seems to be generating to create more opportunities for free advertising), he certainly can slide into the nomination after Super Tuesday. With Clinton's lack of personality and Obama's lack of specific proposals, The Common Man believes that it's far too early to write off the Democratic nomination as a two-horse race.

Boom Goes the Dynamite

Reader Lt. Rob asks "have you lost your senses and moved to Canada?" No, Rob, The Common Man did not move to Canada; he got as far as St. Johnsbury, Vermont last weekend and turned around. The more he thought about it, the more The Common Man realized that the United States were indeed the place for him.

As we inched closer to today, the 4th of July, it became more and more apparent that fireworks fill a gigantic hole in our nation's self-concept. Though Americans may doubt their union and those leading it, having the freedom to set explosives off in the middle of their backyards allows these Americans to marvel and wonder at the glories of a nation that could create something so beautiful and stupid as a Roman Candle Fight (2 separate links, for those of you who are interested), as pointlessly destructive as the black cat, or just plain as pointless as the worm. As The Common Man oohs and ahhs with wide-eyed wonder at the colorful explosions over Beaver Stadium tonight, he can forget all about the elected officials who flaunt every 9th grade civics textbook ever written by claiming that they are not part of the executive branch, but that they exist in a quasi-governmental realm that hovers between reality and non-reality, forever caught between dimensions, having substance (being able to influence national debate and policy) without form and, in so doing, crap uncerimoniously over the Constitution and the people of the United States. The Common Man can forget that he is being treated like a 5 year old kid brother, playing Uno against an older sibling who keeps changing the rules of the game in increasingly ridiculous ways to maintain his advantage. Grrr. Fireworks, thankfully, help The Common Man to forget all that.

Canadian fireworks just wouldn't help The Common Man to make up for the fact that he was in Canada to begin with. They're not big, pretty, or explosion-y enough. And Canada Day is not a real holiday. They're just making that up.

Also, it's worth noting that Canadian money can be easily exchanged for Monopoly money at this point without anyone caring or even noticing. They look a lot alike, with their fun colors, and are worth virtually the same. So literally, had The Common Man absconded to Canada (and become The Common Man, Eh) he would have gotten less bang for his virtually worthless bucks.

So, The Common Man chooses to remain here, railing against the injustices he sees around him, like how his neighbors park a big RV in the middle of their lawn for the entire summer, or how his other neighbors shoot pellet guns toward his house, or how he continues to get treated with scorn and disdain by his own government, because the money is good and the explosions are pretty. And that, friends, is why The Common Man is proud to be an American. Happy 4th of July.

Scott Free

The Common Man makes his triumphant return to blogging today. No posts at all in June is inexcusable. During the month he was away, The Common Man let things that were not important at all keep him from devoting his full attention to the things that matter most, his family and his writing, and he apologizes to both. He also apologizes to readers (something he has gotten very good at since starting this blog). But it's time to get back to work, and without further ado...

Yesterday, in a stunning (to The Common Man, at least) decision, President Bush decided to commute the sentence of convicted perjurer and all-around d-bag Scooter Libby, meaning that the Scootster will spend absolutely no time in jail because the President felt the punishment meted out by an impartial judge was "excessive" (despite the fact that Libby would have been eligible for release after two years and the average sentence for perjury (as of 2000) in U.S. District Court was 2 1/2 years (or, wait for it, 30 months. Instead, Libby will be forced to pay a $250,000 fine and may be subject to two years of probation (though the judge and prosecuting attorneys are still sorting that out).

In all fairness, The Uncommon Wife saw this coming ages ago when she turned to The Common Man and said, "Darling Dearest, it is assured that that man will spend absolutely no time in jail." "Pshaw," said The Common Man, "not even this President has the temerity nor the utter disdain for the American public to do that. Surely he knows that the people would see through such a transparently cynical and self-serving decision. He must let the sentence stand, at least until after the next election." She rolled her eyes, "My truest love, you underestimate the pressures upon the President, the influence of Darth Cheney, and the sheer arrogance of this administration. Verily, I say unto you again, the man will not see the inside of a jail cell."

Well, The Common Man was, for once, wrong. It pains him to say it, but not as much as it pains him to see how little respect this administration has for the justice system and the will of its electorate (a CNN poll found that 69% of respondents believed the President should not pardon Libby). Its consistent ability to ignore a sensible course of action and to undermine its own credibility is as baffling as it is admirable, for at least it is predictable.

That said, the Bush administration is not the first to thumb its nose at the justice system. The Presidential pardon, once a last resort to preserve national order or to prevent a miscarriage of justice, has become a political tool to reward administration supporters and ideological sympathizers. George Bush I pardoned four members of the Reagan Administration for their role in Iran-Contra. Bill Clinton (who makes up the difference between himself and Bush II in quality pardons with quantity) pardoned his brother for cocaine possession, Patty Hearst for the crimes she committed while with the SLA, billionaire fugitive and donor Marc Rich, family friend and business partner Susan McDougal, and Democratic congressman Mel Reynolds.

According to The Jurist, recent Presidents have been using the privilege to provide executive clemency less often than many of their predecessors, but to the casual The Common Man observing the process, it seems that grants of clemency have become markedly more controversial and less defensible in the past 20 years. It shakes The Common Man's faith in his elected officials and makes him wonder whether allowing the President to retain this power will serve the intended purpose or only encourage greater and greater levels of corruption at the highest levels of government.