Boom Goes the Dynamite

Reader Lt. Rob asks "have you lost your senses and moved to Canada?" No, Rob, The Common Man did not move to Canada; he got as far as St. Johnsbury, Vermont last weekend and turned around. The more he thought about it, the more The Common Man realized that the United States were indeed the place for him.

As we inched closer to today, the 4th of July, it became more and more apparent that fireworks fill a gigantic hole in our nation's self-concept. Though Americans may doubt their union and those leading it, having the freedom to set explosives off in the middle of their backyards allows these Americans to marvel and wonder at the glories of a nation that could create something so beautiful and stupid as a Roman Candle Fight (2 separate links, for those of you who are interested), as pointlessly destructive as the black cat, or just plain as pointless as the worm. As The Common Man oohs and ahhs with wide-eyed wonder at the colorful explosions over Beaver Stadium tonight, he can forget all about the elected officials who flaunt every 9th grade civics textbook ever written by claiming that they are not part of the executive branch, but that they exist in a quasi-governmental realm that hovers between reality and non-reality, forever caught between dimensions, having substance (being able to influence national debate and policy) without form and, in so doing, crap uncerimoniously over the Constitution and the people of the United States. The Common Man can forget that he is being treated like a 5 year old kid brother, playing Uno against an older sibling who keeps changing the rules of the game in increasingly ridiculous ways to maintain his advantage. Grrr. Fireworks, thankfully, help The Common Man to forget all that.

Canadian fireworks just wouldn't help The Common Man to make up for the fact that he was in Canada to begin with. They're not big, pretty, or explosion-y enough. And Canada Day is not a real holiday. They're just making that up.

Also, it's worth noting that Canadian money can be easily exchanged for Monopoly money at this point without anyone caring or even noticing. They look a lot alike, with their fun colors, and are worth virtually the same. So literally, had The Common Man absconded to Canada (and become The Common Man, Eh) he would have gotten less bang for his virtually worthless bucks.

So, The Common Man chooses to remain here, railing against the injustices he sees around him, like how his neighbors park a big RV in the middle of their lawn for the entire summer, or how his other neighbors shoot pellet guns toward his house, or how he continues to get treated with scorn and disdain by his own government, because the money is good and the explosions are pretty. And that, friends, is why The Common Man is proud to be an American. Happy 4th of July.