Running Behind

The biggest surprise for The Common Man, over the past month, is just how many interesting things there are in this house for The Boy to get into. Picture frames, drapes, pets, pet toys, pet food, surge protectors (or cords of any kind), books, papers. Virtually anything and everything is remarkably interesting to the average eight-month old once he gets crawling. And since The Boy is not the average eight-month old, he’s interested in even more than that.

Anyway, The Common Man has resumed his “training,” getting back on the elliptical machine in hopes that he will be able to keep up with his motoring little son. So far, so good, but The Common Man suspects that his success will only last as long as The Boy confines his movement to dragging himself, like a Navy SEAL in training worming his way under barbed wire, across the floor. Once he walks, The Common Man is afraid that The Boy will need to be strapped to a gurney at all times for his own safety. For who can keep up with anything that moves so fast?

Well, perhaps Al Gore III could. Now, The Common Man does not wish to appear to endorse AG3’s apparent excess of prescription drugs, partying, and speeding; far from it. But he does think that everyone needs to take five minutes and appreciate the fact that this kid got his Prius up to 100 MPH. The Uncommon Wife, until last winter,
drove a ’99 Chevy Metro until she put it out of its misery and upgraded to a Hyundai Sonata. The Metro seemed to fight against The Common Man every time he tried to get it above 65, as though going 66 would somehow align it cosmically (at least 2/3 of the way) with Satan (Cheney) and all that he stood for. Being a good car, a nice car, a safe car, it would stick to 65, thank you. Or, better yet, 60. Anyway, The Common Man imagines that getting a Prius above 65 would be a little like that. The car would reluctantly edge toward the precipice, rattle and buck a little, ask you if you were sure that you knew what you were doing, say a Hail Mary, and then shake in fear as its speed continued to climb. For breaking that magic 65 barrier, everyone should thank AG3, for he has taught them not just something about the Prius, but about themselves. To reach for the impossible, the unreachable. To go beyond themselves and to dream new dreams, no matter how unlikely. Hallelujah, the Prius went 100 MPH! It can keep up with The Boy! Now, The Common Man needs to convince Gore to do a little babysitting.

Or, perhaps, The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife can simply deny that walking exists when The Boy begins expressing curiosity (which he’s already doing, with his big boy standing). They can say, “With respect, The Boy, despite what you think you may see, there is no such thing as a domestic walking program going on in this house. And there is no internal disagreement between your parents about whether such a program should be instituted. Your parents feel confident that crawling is just fine for you and denies any existence of this so-called “walking”. Later, when The Boy points at The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife as they go about their daily business in and around the family home, as if to say, “HEY! You’re walking! How come you get to walk and I don’t?” they will testify that they do not recall testifying about walking and that, indeed, they never said that walking does not exist, just that it was ill-advised, given the time and place. Later, when The Boy becomes cognizant of the things that he can play with and those he can’t, The Common Man will apologize for any confusion that his previous testimony has caused and that, indeed, he always meant to say that there was walking and encourages The Boy to investigate it fully, now that he can be responsible about the whole thing.

Anyway, The Common Man and The Uncommon Wife haven’t decided just how to handle this yet, but they will figure it out soon. Now, if you’ll excuse The Common Man, The Boy has a handful of cat food.