They're baaaaaack...

Well, just two episodes in and The Common Man is already sucked into American Idol. He's gotta watch something, after all, writers' strike and all. That said, this is always the part of the season that makes The Common Man somewhat uncomfortable. He hates the "contestants" who show up in the hopes of getting five minutes on TV. He hates the oversimplification of peoples' lives and stories, making them into caricatures. He hates that the producers choose the most embarrassing and disturbing contestants to show the national audience. It satisfies are collective schadenfruede, seeing clearly disturbed and unstable (and probably mentally retarded) people get humiliated by Simon's droll sarcasm.

Thankfully, Simon seems to have toned down his reactions this season, especially in light of some of his more controversial, hasty and callous comments last year. But Paula and Randy seem to have gotten a case of the giggles.

Still, here are a select few of the best lines from tonight's show:

After a woman went into labor in line in Dallas: "I only thought it was appropriate to name him Idol." Seriously.

Simon didn't come down on me like I thought he would, 'cuz he goes down on everybody.

My dad would say "I hate you," not like "I'm so jealous, I hate you," like, "I really hate you."

I love Celine Dion. She's my idol. I listen to her every day. She gives me warmth and strength when I sing. (ed. note: It must be a very cold and frail warmth and strength.)

Randy: I actually like you dog, I like the whole Randy Travis/George Strait thing man, 'cuz I grew up with that man.

I've got my eye-liner, or guy-liner, I should say.

Paula: Why do you have Simon's name on your hat?
Strange Asian man in white and silver costumenamed Reynaldo: For two reasons: Everyone everywhere, as long as there is free radio and television, speaks the name Simon. Secondly...
Randy: We don't want to know.

The one-of-a-kind Reynaldo: Simon, you are a great person. You give chance to everyone to sing to the whole world. Thank you. You are heaven's chosen to give chance to any talent for free of charge. You know they call you negative words. But there are people who like you and admire you. One of them is me. You are my glory, Simon.