Send Out the Clowns

Most of you understand, The Common Man is certain, that clowns are not cool. Sadly, while seemingly everyone knows this instinctively, there has never been enough evidence to formally prove that, indeed, clowns suck and everyone knows it. And so, every day in this great nation, thousands of Americans put on facepaint, big shoes, and rainbow suspenders and call themselves Coco, or Dummo, or Bill O'Reilly and generally annoy the piss out of everyone they meet in the name of "entertainment" and "making people happy." The Common Man has long wished for ammunition to wave in the face of these white devils, telling them to scram before they disturb The Boy.

Thankfully, according to this Reuters article, researchers at Sheffield University, in England, has done a study into clowns, clowning, and the overall effectiveness of clowns. Finally, there is scientific evidence that, indeed, clowns suck. In a survey of 250 patients, ages 4 to 16, in British hospitals, not one child claimed to like clowns. Penny Curtis (The Common Man loves British names), a lecturer at the university, explains that "We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable." Though the study certainly can't claim any kind of universality (250 subjects is simply too small a polling sample), the fact that none of the patients liked clowns is incredibly telling. So eat it, Binko.

Clowns, of course, are pouring out of their comically undersized VW Beetles by the dozens to protest these findings. In a follow-up article, Daisy D. Dots, aka Elaine Vercelloni, argued that, in her 21 years experience of undoubtedly disturbing clowning, "gives people, kids and adults a reason to be silly, to imagine and gives their minds a vacation if only for a moment." Yet, this doesn't really address the issue that most clowns that The Common Man has had to suffer through are painfully oblivious to the fact that no one likes them and just want them to go away. Indeed, how can you trust the opinion of a clown, when, frankly, they've made the terrible life choices that have led them down the clowning road to begin with.

Even those clowns who possess the slightest bit of self-awareness, and realize that their dire, perpetually smiling visage frightens people are still nuts. Pipsqueak The Clown, aka Heather Myers, argues that "There are those who are afraid of clowns, this is unavoidable, the same way that there are those afraid of dogs and spiders." But here's the thing, no one chooses to dress up as a dog or a spider, knowing that they're gonna freak some people out. Clowns who ignore or deny the effect that they have on the general populace, who in their guts find the nonstop happiness and chicanery dated and odious, are guilty of being a public nuisance. Bring in the paddy wagon, throw 57 of the buggers in the back and be done with them.

Seriously, is this the face of a person you'd let near your child?
What about these?

















This guy?

What about this clown? Sure, he's funny (not in the executive or legislative branch. now that's comedy), but he'll eat your puppy in front of your child. Do you want that? Do you? The Common Man didn't think so. He wouldn't either.







So the next time you see a clown, you tell them about this study. Ask them about their lives. Ask them who they're really clowning for. And if they still won't stop, The Common Man says to hit 'em right in their red, squishy nose. Smell your flower now, Clarabell.