Ends of the Earth

It's remarkable that, every four years, the eyes of this nation are transfixed upon Iowa and New Hampshire, states that get roundly ignored every other year in America. Like many of you, The Common Man knows little about either state and would, as a service to you, list of four things that he's at least pretty sure are true about each of the nation's most disproportionately influential states.

IOWA
1) Is Minnesota's Mexico. Look, a quick comparison
Minnesota..............................................Iowa
beautiful lakes and rivers...........................corn
major league sports...................................watching corn grow
a culturally relevant metropolitan area......Des Moines
Prince.......................................................Tom Harkin
attractive, relatively affluent people............no

You tell The Common Man where you'd rather live. Frankly, Minnesota should build a border fence.

2) Grows a lot of corn. According to the Iowa Department of Agriculture, Iowa grew corn on almost 13 million acres last year, nearly 16 percent of our national crop. That's a lot.

3) Has most famous non-major league baseball field. Somewhere in Iowa, there is a field. A field of dreams. It is the baseball diamond, cut out of a field of corn for the schlocky, hokey, but ultimately entertaining film (wait for it) Field of Dreams, in which we're lied to and made to feel bad about Shoeless Joe Jackson's level of involvement in the Black Sox scandal of 1919. Recent research has demonstrated that Jackson's play was, indeed, highly suspicious, and that he likely was the reason the fix was successful (indeed, if Jackson (a team leader and its best player) hadn't gone along with the plot, the other players may have reconsidered their involvement). Still, The Common Man would like visit, especially since the owners of the field (it sat across the property line of two farms) have resolved their differences.

4) Iowans are liars. As the previous paragraph demonstrates, Iowans are likely to tell any lie, half-truth or exaggeration to get you visit their state. Why should this country respect the opinions and caucus results of a bunch of lying liars? Are they making up the results? Maybe they manipulate the final tallies to make the races interesting so that citizens are obliged to tune in every four years to a state that otherwise doesn't matter.

NEW HAMPSHIRE
1) Apparently named after an old Hampshire. What happened to the old Hampshire, New Hampshire? Did you just leave it to die somewhere, hoping your past wouldn't catch up to you? Well, it did, New Hampshire. You were named after the county of Hampshire. And where is that, New Hampshire? That's right, it's in England. First of all, if it was so great back in old Hampshire, that you named your colony (then state) after it, why did you leave in the first place. Second, naming your state after a British county? Doesn't sound very American to The Common Man.

2) No state income tax nor sales tax. This, of course, makes The Common Man wonder how the state of New Hampshire pays for anything. No wonder the Old Man in the Mountain fell apart. God, spend a buck or two, it's only the only thing people visited your state to see. (Note to Common Self, when driving to or from Maine, always stop at New Hampshire state liquor store at exit 1.)

3) Gave us Sarah Silverman. This is perhaps the greatest contribution to American culture in the state's history. It almost makes up for #4.

4) State motto, Live Free or Die, used as title of aging Bruce Willis fiasco, Live Free or Die Hard. Look, The Common Man is the first one to admit how awesome the first Die Hard was. As an action movie, it blended comedy, fighting, shooting, and realism perfectly with unmatched precision. That doesn't change the fact, however, that the second and fourth installments of Die Hard sucked hard. Sucked out loud. Sucked in stereo. Indeed, the fourth film completely eschews the realism and grittiness that made Die Hard so noteworthy among action films in the first place, instead turning Willis' John McClain into a kind of white, middle-aged, bald superhero, capable of taking down a helicopter with a motorcycle. Though to be fair, the third movie redeems the Die Hard franchise significantly, but mostly because of Samuel L. Jackson and a terrific turn by Jeremy Irons as the villain who puts Willis through a series of amusing and dangerous obstacles. Isn't that just like the British, funny and evil at the same time. Sounds like a bad group of people to name a state after, New Hampshire.